I hate celebrity mothers - They "sneeze" and give birth mess-free, stress-free, and without breaking a sweat on their nipped, tucked, botox-frozen faces.
6 hours after their "sneeze/birth" they are inevitably photographed out and about in their pre-baby skin tight clothes, sporting flawless hair and make up, a shiny new manicure and massive Starbucks coffee. You'd be forgiven for doubting they'd ever really been pregnant, and would probably lose them if they turned sideways...BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO MUMMY TUMMY.
I'm not a supermodel or a celebrity of any sort - I'll give you a moment to reel in shock at this revelation. Outrageous, isn't it? Since I'm not super rich and famous, I don't have a full time nanny, cleaner, housekeeper, calorie counting chef, personal trainer, fully equipped home gym blah blah blah. I also don't have the will power to refuse everything above 2 kilojoules and survive on free-range organic lettuce leaves. So it's probably for the best that I haven't been "noticed" yet.
There are solutions for those of us not genetically blessed or financially prosperous enough to pay for the required personnel and equipment to get rid of our Mummy Tummy.
And that's where the by-line of my blog website comes into play. "Parenting by the seat of my kidney-hugging, Mummy Tummy-sucking underpants".
I totally appreciate the range of super-sucker knickers on the market these days, I truly do. I am more than happy to forego taking in oxygen and walk like a rusty robot - having forfeited the ability to bend and turn - if it means my stomach can be shrunk a size or two. But not all the time.
I'd probably need to have a few ribs and non-essential organs removed to even attempt making that sort of underwear a regular thing. Plus nothing quite says sexy hot mumma when you're all dressed up and out to impress...as having a wedgie of epic proportions from some seriously taut lycra, thanks to the industrial strength knickers that are covering your posterior and half your torso. A lot like having a second skin, only one that is approximately 2-3 sizes too small.
So back to my Mummy Tummy. I look like I am still 6 months pregnant with the twins. This is only getting worse as I lose weight. The rest of my body has got with the program, and is returning to normal, but my tummy has basically resigned and said "forget it ..you made me carry two babies at once...that was the point of no return for me....things will NEVER be as they once were". Oh, alright, as they once nearly were.
I know people say these things, but it's never that bad and they are often hoping for reassurance. Not fishing for a compliment, just hoping that their Mummy Tummy is not as bad as they perceive it to be.
Mine is real. I'm thinking of applying for the Baby Bonus again. My Mummy Tummy can just about get down and dirty with my knee caps. If I could find the right Bra to unite my cleavage into one semi-impressive peak, I would make a killer camel at fancy dress parties - one big hump up top (thanks to the super-bra creating a uni-boob), and one hump down below, thanks to the Mummy Tummy. I know this, because I have stood in front of the mirror and turned sideways to check. No really. I have.
To prove my point - here's what happened to me recently...
I was in a shopping centre, pushing the twins in their pram. I ran into a girl I worked with approximately 5 years ago. We chat briefly, and she mentioned how fantastic I was looking. Ego-boosting compliment, yay! And without missing a beat, she then asked when I'm due. Ego-crushing blow. I considered lying and saying "oh you know, in about 3 weeks".
This was not an isolated incident. I can’t simply pass it off as the years not being too kind to this girl since we last worked together (that, and she is only in her early mid 20’s, so it’s highly unlikely I could play the senility card with any credibility).
I met the Principal of Miss5’s school late last year. We had a brief chat, and as I was leaving she mentioned how ‘radiant’ I looked – that should’ve been my first warning, there’s only one occasion when I hear anyone refer to a female as ‘radiant’. I smiled, because I wasn’t sure what else to do with that quasi-compliment. Then she said I should speak to the school Chaplain, should I require any assistance with Miss5 and the twins WHEN THE NEW BABY ARRIVES, because it can’t be too long now (with sympathetic look at my middle region).
This from a woman who deals with Mothers and those of a formerly-pregnant-state on a daily basis. This from an educated and articluate woman who has had children herself. This from a WOMAN.
So, in conclusion - a "Public Service Request" of sorts:
Any sympathetic plastic surgeons out there who need to get some operating hours up - I am totally willing to be your next pro-bono tummy tuck patient! It really would be for the greater good of the community, I am actually being 100% selfless in putting this request out there.
The general public would no longer have to question my chastity and why in hell I would be pushing a pram with 2 babies, dragging a whiney toddler behind me...and appear to be pregnant yet again. It would also make it MUCH nicer when I am out and partake in an alcoholic beverage and people look at my Mummy Tummy, then at my wine glass in a mix of horror and disgust.
The unfair scrutiny almost puts me off my wine...almost.
Amended version of Mummy Tummy post from my blog, 27 Oct 2010